Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
