There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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