One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
