Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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