Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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