So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
