What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize