so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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