DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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