how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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