so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
