first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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