Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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