I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
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I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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