Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
