Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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