smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
