You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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