I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
