I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
