I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
