Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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