I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
