I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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