i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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