ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
