Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
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i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
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Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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