I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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