He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
