I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
