woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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