We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
