I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
