When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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