she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
