Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
