Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think I died a long time ago.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
