You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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