Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Randomize
