sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
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Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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