So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic