My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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