Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
