i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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