Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
