Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
