True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
