when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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