Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
