you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
