he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
