so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
