she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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