He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
