sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
