I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
