I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
either way he was missing a nipple.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
