soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
