i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
