your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
