Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
