I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
