Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
