I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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