Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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